Does My Anxiety Mean I’m in the Wrong Relationship?

Am I in the right relationship?
Does my anxiety mean I'm in the wrong relationship?
What if my partner isn’t the one?

I used to ask myself these questions constantly when I first started dating my now husband.

The questions were never ending, and I thought that since I felt anxious and couldn’t stop questioning things, it meant I was in the wrong relationship.

Like so many of us, I had been brainwashed into the idea that "when you know, you know." I expected meeting my life partner to feel effortless and certain. And sure, maybe that happens for some people…

But for those who struggle with anxiety, being told that all doubts and uncertainties mean we're about to violate our intuition and make a terrible decision is the absolute worst thing we could possibly hear. And since you're reading this article right now, I'm willing to bet you can relate.

I'm Chelsea Horton, a Board Certified Dance/Movement Therapist, Body/Mind Integration Expert, and relationship-based somatic coach, and I'm here to tell you that mainstream narratives about what anxiety means in a relationship are… complete bullshit. 

Anxiety shows up in relationships for lots of different reasons, most of which have very little to do with your partner or the relationship itself and almost everything to do with you, your internalized beliefs, and your own relationship patterns. In this article, I'm sharing a bit of my own relationship anxiety story and offering a different perspective on what anxiety in relationships “means” and why constantly searching for answers doesn’t help.

My Own Relationship Anxiety Journey

My anxiety about my relationship stemmed from many different things. I was a perfectionist who was terrified of making a "wrong" decision. My parents got divorced when I was young, and I had my heart shattered in a past romantic relationship. From what I had seen and experienced, love only led to pain.

Needless to say, this was a recipe for anxiety, especially when it came to relationships.

When I started dating my now husband, my anxiety would scream at me.

What if we’re not compatible?
Are we too different?
What if I take a chance on this and things don’t work out?

I struggled with frequent anxiety attacks and often felt sick to my stomach (that “gut feeling” many of us with anxiety tend to confuse with our intuition). My body would shake and sweat whenever doubts and questions about my relationship showed up. I felt trapped inside my head and at a loss for how to cope inside my body.

I knew I had strong feelings for my partner and that he made me feel safe and seen like no one else ever had, but the anxiety made me doubt that… big time. I even broke up with him twice within our first year of dating because the anxiety was so unbearable.

I thought the anxiety was my intuition telling me I was making the wrong decision.

For a long time, I had no idea what to make of these experiences. I went to traditional talk therapy for years to try to figure it out, but that often made it worse because it encouraged me to dig deeper into my doubts, and then new questions would arise. I was stuck in a never-ending spiral of questions and doubts, and the more I tried to find an answer, the more confused and lost I felt.

Why Obsessively Searching for Answers Doesn't Relieve Anxiety

Now that I’ve spent years working with the experience of anxiety as a therapist and coach (as well as in my own life), I understand so much more than I did back then. When we try to deal with anxiety at the level of the mind, it doesn't work — because anxiety isn’t just in our heads, it’s in our bodies. 

Trying to “solve” our anxiety by searching Google and Reddit for answers just keeps us stuck in the endless loop of thoughts, spinning around and around without ever moving forward.

It wasn't until I went to graduate school to pursue a Master’s degree in Dance/Movement Therapy that I finally began to find freedom from my relationship anxiety.

Unlike conventional therapy modalities like CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), body-based somatic therapy does not rely on the mind as the pathway to healing. It invites the body to be the guide.

Embodiment practices take us out of the endless thought loops in our heads and into the wisdom of our bodies. And that's exactly what my anxious self needed.

Body-Based Therapy as a Pathway Through Anxiety

In order to really unlearn our patterns of anxiety and perfectionism — whether they show up in our relationships or anywhere else in our lives — we need to understand and work with the fear response in the body.

When fear and anxiety are activated in the brain, this sends chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol into our bodies. This happens as part of the body’s natural fear-response system, known as fight/flight/freeze. These chemicals have deep evolutionary roots, and they’re responsible for preparing us to fight a predator, run away, or play dead. Even though we don’t need this type of fear response in most cases anymore, our brains and bodies don’t know how to tell the difference between a roaring lion and that anxious thought you just had about your partner.

We can’t just tell our brains not to be afraid. We can’t think our way out of fear and anxiety — especially if we’ve had painful or traumatic experiences that have taught us not to trust relationships.

We must learn to work with the body to understand when and how we get triggered into these fear states and how we can consciously guide our bodies back to a place of safety and rest.

Breaking free from the pattern of anxiety and chronic doubt in relationships requires gently and patiently teaching our nervous systems how to feel safe. This place of groundedness and self-trust will become the foundation from which you can make conscious, aligned decisions about what you want in your life.

So, What Does Anxiety in Relationships Actually Mean?

Chances are, you feel anxious about your relationship not because your partner is a terrible person who you should run the hell away from, but because you are afraid.* On some level, you believe relationships or intimacy or vulnerability are unsafe or that they lead to misery and pain and heartbreak, and there’s a part of you that’s saying “no.” But this unprocessed fear doesn’t have to run the show.

Once you begin to release these stuck fear patterns from your nervous system, your mind will begin to naturally shift. The anxious questions will show up less, and when they do pop up, you’ll find it far easier to not get sucked in. You’ll be able to return to the safety of your body.

(*The guidance in this article does not apply to relationships that involve abuse or neglect. If you’re feeling afraid of your partner due to abusive or controlling dynamics, please seek help from other resources.)

Befriending the Body and Moving Beyond Anxiety

So, does anxiety mean you're in the wrong relationship? Nope.

Anxiety means you’re afraid, and your fear deserves your curiosity, your attention, and your presence.

If you’re ready to learn how to befriend your body so you can unlearn your anxious patterns and step into deeper confidence and clarity in your relationship, Healing Embodied is here to support you.

We offer self-paced courses, like Safety Within, designed to help you cultivate trust and safety within your nervous system, as well as our live group program, Rock Solid Relationship. You can check out all of our courses, offerings, and programs on our offerings page, where you can also learn more about working with one of our Healing Embodied practitioners one on one.