Is It Normal to Have Doubts in a Relationship? (Yes — And Embracing Them Could Set You Free)
How embracing relationship doubts and giving up the hunt for certainty can unlock the love and connection you crave with your partner.
First things first: Having relationship doubts is completely normal, and it’s way more common than social media or that best-selling romance novel would have you believe.
And relationship doubts don’t mean your relationship is doomed either. In fact, most couples go through periods of uncertainty — even the successful ones.
So, doubts aren’t the problem.
What is? The endless hunt for certainty.
In this article, we’re talking about the tendency many of us have to chase certainty and “answers” when we’re experiencing doubt and uncertainty in our relationships. But the problem is… seeking certainty might be the very thing keeping you stuck.
Chasing Certainty in Relationships
Those of us who experience doubts, anxiety, and perfectionism in relationships most likely struggle with the fear of the unknown. To cope with that fear, we convince ourselves that the antidote is absolute certainty. We want to know the future, to have the perfect answer, to be right.
If you experience relationship anxiety (RA) or relationship OCD (ROCD), you might even believe that if you don’t have certainty, something bad will happen to you or your relationship. (While this article doesn’t focus specifically on relationship anxiety and ROCD, you can explore our offerings page to learn more about how Healing Embodied can support you in these experiences.)
In response to this fear of uncertainty, the mind seeks control by overthinking and overanalyzing. Even if you don’t struggle with RA/ROCD, your brain may still convince itself that it can think its way into the exact right answer, which will eliminate all doubt and discomfort… right?
“Is my partner right for me? Maybe if I think about it for long enough, or read enough articles about it, or ask enough people, I’ll figure it out.”
You might spend hours ruminating about the “right-ness” of your relationship.
You might seek external validation by checking in with friends or family to see what they think.
You might turn to the internet, using Google, Reddit, or social media to search for answers to your yearning questions.
We do this because we believe that if only we had certainty, we would be okay, our relationship would be safe, and we would be guaranteed a long, happy life of harmony.
But this is exactly how anxiety and the hunt for certainty in relationships keep us stuck.
The Never-Ending Search for Certainty Is Keeping You Trapped in Your Anxiety
Very little is certain in life — and relationships are no exception.
Human relationships are complicated and messy. There are no black-and-white answers about whether or not we are in the “right” or “best” relationship. We will never know whether our partner is truly “the one” or if “the one” even exists. In other words, if we’re determined to find certainty, we’ll be searching forever.
As much as our brains want to believe that if we ruminate enough, we will eventually find an answer, we won’t. Instead, we will stay stuck inside of a never-ending loop of anxiety — and when we’re stuck in anxiety and fear, we can’t experience full connection, presence, and intimacy in our relationships.
Accepting this can feel extremely difficult. It might even feel painful and scary. Learning to accept the inevitability of uncertainty is, quite literally, one of the fundamental challenges of being alive — but relationships are really good at asking us to do difficult yet important inner work.
Connection requires trust, safety, and presence. Feeling safe enough to trust and be present in the moment with our partners requires leaning into the fear of the unknown. To help us do this in a way that feels accessible and not overwhelming, we focus on cultivating our inner capacity for self-trust.
Leaning Into Self-Trust Instead
Instead of trying to find safety through certainty, try turning inward.
By cultivating self-trust and grounding into the belief that you will be okay regardless of your choice of who to be in a relationship with, your anxiety may start to loosen its grip.
Most of us haven’t been taught how to trust ourselves. We’re taught to trust other people and to default to the guidance of others instead of believing in our own inner wisdom and security. But self-trust is a skill you can learn with patience and commitment. At Healing Embodied, this is one of the fundamental things we help our clients do as they build stronger, more resilient, and more enlivening relationships with themselves and their partners.
Once you have a foundation of self-trust, you can embrace the uncertainty of life and move into the unknown with more courage and openness. You will be able to flow with the natural rhythm of your life rather than constantly trying to get control over your thoughts and feelings.
If you want to build self-trust and step into deeper confidence in your relationship, Healing Embodied is here to support you in that work. Reach out to a member of our team to schedule a free clarity call, or check out our self-paced courses and live group programs on our offerings page.
If you’re ready to step more fully into your relationship and build a fulfilling, conscious partnership, we’re hosting a brand-new live group program, Rock Solid Relationship, beginning in February 2025. To join the program, visit the program page.
We look forward to helping you find peace within the unknown.