“Am I Settling?” Why the Fear of Settling in a Relationship Is So… Unsettling

We hear it all the time…

“I just feel like I’m settling.”

“I’m so afraid of settling and being unhappy.”

“How do I know if this is just anxiety, or if I’m actually settling?”

There is so much emphasis in our society on “settling” — in your relationship, in your career, in your life and goals. Above all, we’re taught that we should NEVER, EVER settle.

If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking.

Never settle.

Live life with no regrets.

If it’s not a fuck yes, then it’s a fuck no.

Basically: If you “settle,” you’re signing yourself up for a lifetime of regret and misery. Goodbye happiness, goodbye purpose. Hello lifetime of boredom and thinking about what could have been.

And THIS is exactly why so many people are terrified of settling.

Mainstream Narratives About Settling in Relationships

We’ve been fed this narrative that “settling” means you’ve chosen something that is somehow beneath you, and if you choose this then you’ll eventually end up deeply unhappy. 

If you stray from your goals and dreams, then you’re lazy. 

If you choose a partner who doesn’t check every single box your 15-year-old self dreamed of, then you’re making a grave mistake.

We’ve been taught that settling means you’re choosing someone or something that you don’t *actually* want — that you’re living life out of fear, obligation, and convenience rather than love and desire.

But let’s examine this a little more…

The Fear Beneath the Fear of Settling

Isn’t doing everything you can to *make sure* you’re not settling, to have complete certainty that this path is the “right” one for you, actually living out of fear?

…Fear that if you choose “wrong” or make a mistake, you are somehow bad or unworthy.

…Fear that if you feel any amount of doubt about your choices, you’re ignoring some deeper sense of intuition.

…Fear that you’re selling yourself short and are therefore doomed to live in misery.

…Obligation to a past version of you that had a rigid idea about what their life or partner would look like.

…Convenience of doing what you’ve always done, instead of learning how to feel satisfied and whole exactly as you are.

There’s nothing wrong with valuing learning and growth in your life. There’s nothing wrong with desiring a partner, career, home, etc. that brings joy into your life. There’s nothing wrong with going after your goals and desires.

But what if the definition of “settling” that we’ve been fed actually… isn’t all that accurate?

What if “settling” could mean allowing yourself to enjoy the love you already have?

What Does “Settling” Really Mean?

At Healing Embodied, we believe in redefining the mainstream assumption about settling.

Instead of thinking of settling as “giving up” or “failing,” experiment with thinking about settling as…

…Giving yourself permission to be present with what’s right in front of you, instead of always searching for the next best thing.

…Basking in the joy and comfort of what you have, instead of shaming yourself for the things you don’t have.

…Finding pleasure in the life you’ve built, instead of constantly living in regret of the paths you didn’t choose.

Move Beyond the Fear of Settling By Embracing Self-Trust

What if you could trust in your own decisions enough to stop obsessing over whether they’re the BEST possible decisions every second of every day?

What if you could trust your unique path enough to actually experience it fully, without that voice saying, “What if there’s something better out there?”

This is hard, and requires a lot of unlearning and relearning — but this is exactly what we help our clients do at Healing Embodied, and we’d love to support you in this too!

To learn more about working with us, check out our programs and courses or apply for a free clarity call.