Am I Settling? Why the Fear of Settling in a Relationship Is So… Unsettling
“Settling” is such a loaded word, especially when it comes to relationships. Most of us are taught that settling is a terrible thing, and that if we do it, we’re either failing or giving up.
But what if everything you think you know about settling isn’t necessarily true? What if settling doesn’t have to mean failure and misery?
What if the fear of settling has more to do with your internalized beliefs about relationships than it does with the real, living, breathing relationship right in front of you?
In this article, we’re diving into the concept of settling and exploring the extremely common fear of settling in a relationship. We’ll look at where this fear comes from, why it freaks us out so much, and how we can start to shift the way we think about this triggering word.
I’m Sarah Rot, a relationship-focused somatic coach, body-mind integration expert, Bar Certified Dance/Movement Therapist, and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor. You can work with me directly through Healing Embodied, explore our courses, group programs, and other offerings, or just keep reading to learn more about settling in relationships.
What Our Culture Has to Say About Settling
Based on what you’ve been taught, you might associate the idea of settling with failure, misery, or missing out on your full potential. It might even bring up feelings of not being good enough or of ending up with a life that isn’t good enough for you.
Above all, most of us are taught that we should never, ever settle.
We literally hear it all the time…
Never settle! If it’s not a f*ck yes, it’s a f*ck no!
…Sound familiar?
Whether you’re getting it from social media, rom-coms, or friends and family, our culture is riddled with intense, black-and-white messages about settling and why you should never do it — which is exactly why so many people are terrified of settling.
Then, when we apply the idea of settling to our most intimate relationships, the fear we feel gets magnified tenfold.
Mainstream Narratives About Settling in Relationships
Many of us learn that “settling” means choosing something that is somehow beneath us, and that if we choose this, we will eventually end up deeply unhappy. We’ve been taught that if we settle, it means we’re choosing something or someone we don’t actually want — that we’re living life from a place of fear, obligation, and convenience rather than love and desire.
It’s no surprise, then, that the idea of settling in a relationship holds so much fear for so many people. We want our long-term partnerships to be defined by love, connection, and passion, and we buy into the narrative that settling is the exact opposite of that.
But let’s examine this idea a little more, because I think there’s a lot more going on here than meets the eye.
The Fear Beneath the Fear of Settling
As an embodiment coach who helps people move through the fears they hold in and about relationships, I’m interested in the root fears that live beneath our surface-level fears.
You might think you’re afraid of settling, but this probably isn’t the whole story — because the fear of settling is usually a symptom of a deeper, more vulnerable fear.
We’re not afraid of settling because it’s an inherently dangerous thing, but because of what we’ve been taught settling means. We fear settling in relationships because of the stories we automatically tell ourselves as soon as we start worrying we might be settling for less than “perfect.”
Maybe you’re worried that if you “settle” for a partner who isn’t everything your 15-year-old self always envisioned, it means you’ll end up unhappy, bored, or regretful. Or maybe it will even lead to a painful divorce, which means you could end up alone later in life. One minute, you’re thinking, “Is my partner good enough? Am I settling?” and the next minute, you’re thinking “Oh no, what if I die alone?!”
As that fear builds, your brain automatically starts scanning for even more potential signs you could be settling… and a vicious cycle begins. Suddenly, the “fear of settling” reveals itself as something much more complex: the fear of unhappiness, boredom, divorce, pain, heartbreak, loneliness. Depending on your life experiences, it could even be linked to the fear of rejection, embarrassment, or judgment. These are fundamental human fears, and it makes so much sense that they might make you want to run away.
But not so fast! Let’s keep digging a little deeper…
Recognizing the Fear of Settling as What It Is – Fear
Any time our brains and bodies start signaling fear in moments when we’re not actually in danger, it can be helpful to pause and observe. Notice what stories you’re telling yourself. Notice what’s happening in your body and how those stories and racing thoughts are impacting the way you feel.
If you struggle with the fear of settling in your relationship, you may want to practice recognizing the fear of settling as what it is — plain old fear.
…Fear that if you choose “wrong” or make a mistake, you’re somehow bad or unworthy.
…Fear that if you feel any amount of doubt about your choices, you’re ignoring some deeper sense of intuition.
…Fear that if you sell yourself short (even without realizing), you’ll be doomed to a life of misery.
…Fear that if you don’t choose the “right” partner, you’ll be disappointing your family, friends, or even your own past selves.
Spending time with these root fears can help us detangle and soften the parts of us that clench and panic every time we notice imperfections in our relationships. Meeting and understanding the sources of our fears is a great first step toward eventually being able to more fully embrace our choices, whatever they may be.
So, What Does “Settling” Really Mean?
There’s nothing wrong with valuing growth and ambition in life. There’s nothing wrong with desiring a partner, career, and home that bring you joy and satisfaction. There’s nothing wrong with working toward your long-held goals and desires.
But what if “settling” doesn’t have to mean the opposite of having what you really want? What if “settling” could mean allowing yourself to enjoy the love you already have?
What if “settling” is actually the key to experiencing the deep love, connection, partnership, and satisfaction you crave?
Redefining Settling
At Healing Embodied, we believe in redefining mainstream assumptions about settling. Instead of thinking of settling as “giving up” or “failing,” experiment with thinking about settling as…
Giving yourself permission to be present with what’s right in front of you, instead of always searching for the next best thing
Basking in the joy and comfort of what you have, instead of shaming yourself for the things you don’t have
Finding pleasure in the life you’ve built, instead of constantly living in regret for the paths you didn’t choose
For those of us who experience anxiety, indecision, or the fear of missing out, “never settling” can easily become a trap that holds us back from experiencing comfort, grounded-ness, and presence in our lives. If we never let ourselves settle (in other words, put down roots, get comfortable, hang up our hats) we risk keeping ourselves on high alert for signs that we should be moving on.
If we keep buying into the idea that “settling” should be our greatest fear, we risk never letting ourselves fully choose anything.
Here are some common dictionary definitions of the word “settling”:
“To become calmer or quieter”
“To begin to feel comfortable or established in a new situation”
“To make one’s permanent home somewhere”
If you want to feel calm, quiet, comfortable, and at home in your relationship, settling might actually be exactly what you need. Try thinking of it as settling with your partner instead of settling for your partner.
Moving Beyond the Fear of Settling in Relationships
Embracing the idea of settling is far easier said than done. Even if you can begin to recognize the potential value of settling, you’ll probably still have to work through some layers of fear to fully embrace the experience of settling into your relationship, especially if you’re prone to anxiety, overthinking, and perfectionism.
At Healing Embodied, this is exactly what we help our clients do. We specialize in understanding and compassionately working with the way fear and anxiety show up in our bodies, and we serve as loving, caring guides for our clients in this work.
While it’s not easy to unlearn fear and step into a life defined and driven by love and self-trust, it’s so possible. And we see it happen all the time in our client sessions and group programs.
If you want to know what it’s like to lean into your relationship and deeply trust your own decisions and unique path without constantly wondering, “What if there’s something better out there?” Healing Embodied is here to support you.
In 2025, we’re launching our brand-new signature group program, Rock Solid Relationship, designed to help you gently and safely move into this work in a supportive and compassionate group setting. To learn more or to enroll in the program, visit the program page.
To learn more about working with us more generally, check out our other programs and courses or apply for a free clarity call with a member of our team.