Why Do I Have Anxiety and Intrusive Thoughts During Sex and Intimacy?
Experiencing intrusive thoughts during intimacy can be extremely distressing. These are the moments when we expect to experience deep connection and pleasure, but instead, our thoughts get in the way.
If you’ve experienced this, you are not alone. Having intrusive or anxious thoughts during sex and intimacy is far more common than you might think — and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It also doesn’t mean you’re connection with your partner is doomed (phew!).
As a relationship coach, relationship anxiety expert, and embodiment-based practitioner, I have worked with hundreds of clients who experience anxiety during sex — and the reasons why this happens may surprise you.
While it’s easy to assume that struggling to feel present during intimacy means you just aren’t connected “enough” or compatible “enough” with your partner, this is probably not the real reason.
Let’s look at three common reasons people experience anxiety and intrusive thoughts during sex.
3 Reasons Intrusive Thoughts and Anxiety Show Up During Intimacy
Anxiety doesn’t like vulnerability.
Intimacy is intensely vulnerable — and anxiety doesn’t like vulnerability. When we’re prone to anxiety, it’s usually because we learned at some point in our lives that we weren’t safe. Whether that was in childhood, in a past relationship, or during a traumatic experience, something in our bodies took over to protect us. Our fear-response systems became reactive in an attempt to keep us safe from potential risks.
But vulnerability is the opposite of “playing it safe,” as far as our hypervigilant nervous systems are concerned.
Deep down, you might fear that sharing your intimate self with someone means opening up to the possibility of pain, heartbreak, betrayal, or loss. And it’s true — intimacy does come with the risk of loss and pain, but so do most good things in life.
The closer you get to your partner, the more intense your anxiety will get if any part of you struggles with vulnerability. Since intimacy is probably the closest you can get to another person, anxiety often reaches an all-time high during these moments.
2. You might not feel safe in your body.
If you’ve experienced significant pain or trauma in your life — especially if that trauma impacted your body — you probably internalized the idea that being in your body is unsafe. Many trauma survivors become very analytical and cerebral (mind-based), because existing in our minds feels safer than existing in our bodies.
But sex and intimacy require being in the body. If this doesn’t feel safe for you yet, intrusive thoughts may come up during intimate moments to try to call you back into your mind and “keep you safe.”
For those dealing with the effects of physical or sexual trauma, learning to reestablish safety within your body is a necessary first step toward being able to experience intimacy and pleasure with another person. While it’s easy to feel frustrated with the intrusive thoughts and anxiety, be careful not to push yourself beyond your limits. It’s okay to take breaks and say “no” when you’re feeling too overwhelmed to connect.
3. You may have learned that sex and intimacy are bad.
If you grew up immersed in purity culture or were raised in a religious household, you might have learned that sex and intimacy are shameful or “sinful.” Growing up with these messages can affect us throughout our lives, even if we’re no longer connected to those belief systems. Even if you didn’t grow up in a religious family, being raised in a shamed-based or “sex-negative” culture can have similar effects.
If you have an internalized belief that sex and intimacy are bad, unclean, or unsafe, it will be extremely difficult to relax and enjoy the moment when you find yourself in an intimate situation.
(Note: There’s a big difference between experiencing unwanted anxiety and intrusive thoughts during sex and experiencing an unwanted sexual encounter. Establishing trust in your body can help you discern between sex you want but are struggling to connect with, and sex you don’t want.)
Learning to Be Present During Intimacy
The good news is that you’re not doomed to always experience intrusive thoughts during intimacy. When this happens, you can anchor into your senses and redirect your attention away from the thoughts and back into your body.
Maybe you simply focus on what your partner’s hands feel like on your skin, or what they taste like. Or you focus on what you can hear in the moment (the sound of your breath or your partner’s breath, the ceiling fan, etc).
While your senses can help you interrupt the cycle of intrusive thoughts, you will also need to do the inner work to heal the core wounds preventing you from experiencing connection and pleasure.
Find Safety Within Through Healing Embodied
Through trauma-informed movement and embodiment practices, the practitioners at Healing Embodied can help your body believe and trust that sex and intimacy can be safe and that vulnerability is not a threat. Through this work, we can help you learn how to soften, relax, and connect, so that you can lean into vulnerability, instead of leaning away from it.
If you’re interested in learning more about how to feel safe, grounded, and connected in your body and your relationships, check out our Healing Embodied courses and programs or sign up for a free clarity call to learn how we can support you through 1:1 sessions.
We look forward to helping you heal!