It’s Okay If You and Your Partner Have Different Values in a Relationship
Something we hear all the time on social media and in the relationship coaching world is how important it is to “find someone with the same values as you.”
If you trust TikTok and Instagram for relationship advice, you might be worried your relationship is doomed if you and your partner don’t agree on every. single. aspect. of life.
From how often you want to travel to what religion you choose to follow, you’ve probably learned somewhere along the way that you’re supposed to have identical values with your partner, and that if you don’t, you must not be with the “right person.”
But as with all things in relationships, there’s nuance to this idea — at least, there should be.
As a somatic relationship coach at Healing Embodied, I know relationships are unique and complex. They can’t be written off as “right or wrong” by unhelpful and outdated advice. That’s why in this article, I’m taking a closer look at what it means to have different values in a relationship. I’ll talk about why differences aren’t necessarily bad and how being different from your partner (and learning to appreciate that fact) can actually make your relationship more fun, dynamic, and resilient.
Differences in Relationships Aren’t Necessarily a Bad Thing
First, let’s debunk the myth that differences in a relationship = bad. Some differences are harder to live with than others, but you don’t have to have all the same interests, goals, dreams, and plans as your partner to have a fulfilling, meaningful, and lasting relationship.
In fact, being different from your partner can actually make your relationship feel even more dynamic, creating rich opportunities for growth for both people. For example, having different interests, hobbies, and social lives than your partner could lead to fun opportunities for you both to expand your horizons if that’s something you’re both interested in. Or it could help you lean into the understanding that it’s okay to experience both intimacy and independence in a relationship.
Being different from your partner can actually make your relationship feel even more dynamic, creating rich opportunities for growth for both people.
Even if you and your partner differ on certain big picture things, this doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed. If you and your partner are both willing to work together to explore a path forward that honors both of your sets of values, even if they’re different, you have an amazing shot at making your partnership last.
Not All Values Are Created Equal
Of course, some values carry more weight than others. We all have deal breakers. Things we know we wouldn’t want to compromise on in a relationship. For some of us, that might be shared politics. For others, it might be our stance on having (or not having) children or our commitment to a specific religion. Non-negotiable values are different for everyone, and it’s okay if yours don’t look the same as everyone else’s.
But other values are more fluid and flexible, and they can coexist with differing values — even if they’re wildly different. For example, many people experience deeply fulfilling partnerships and marriages with people who follow a different religion. Even though religion is considered a fundamental value, many people are open to holding different religious beliefs than their partners. There is no set of standard values you must share with your partner in order for your relationship to work (no matter what social media might have you believe).
For some couples, wanting to have children and grow a family is a core value that both people have to agree on for the relationship to work long term. But for those who don’t want to be parents, this value doesn’t come into play.
For couples who value creating a shared home, wanting to live in the same place will be an important shared value. But for those who value their independence and don’t mind living apart (at least some of the time), pursuing opportunities in different cities or even different countries can be part of a long, thriving love story together.
It’s okay if you and your partner don’t agree on every single thing.
It’s okay if you and your partner don’t agree on every single thing. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, especially if you and your partner share at least some important commonalities.
Identifying the Values You Share
When you and your partner uncover the foundational values that keep you together, you’ll experience more space and freedom for your differences to coexist.
Chances are, if you’ve chosen to be with your partner for any length of time, you have some things in common. If you’re prone to fixating on the differences in your relationship, try taking some time to notice the things you and your partner share.
What drew you together? What do you bond over? What motivates you as a couple?
My husband Matt and I are different in a lot of ways. We hold many different values, but there was one non-negotiable that stuck out to both of us very early on in our relationship.
We had both had past relationships where it felt like we were the ones carrying most of the weight and doing most of the work. With my ex, I sometimes wondered, “Does he even want to be in this relationship?” I kept wondering why it felt like I was the only one carrying and prioritizing the relationship.
Matt felt the same way in his previous relationship, so we knew it was important to both of us to be in an equal partnership where both people put in an equal amount of effort. And we noticed early on while dating that our relationship felt that way. We both equally prioritized and valued the relationship, and that was a big deal for us. (This doesn’t mean we both show up perfectly 100% of the time, or that we both show up in the exact same way. But we’re both committed to showing up consistently.)
Through this, I’ve learned that shared commitment is something I really value and won’t compromise on in a relationship. And since this value was present for both my and my partner from the beginning, it allowed space for us to have differences in other areas.
When you and your partner uncover what it is you share — the foundational values that keep you together — you’ll experience more space and freedom for your differences to coexist.
Getting Comfortable With Differences In a Relationship
With Matt and I, one of our biggest differences is spirituality. The way I practice and understand spirituality is not a big part of my husband’s life, and this used to be a huge trigger for me. I used to think that because Matt didn’t share my spiritual beliefs, it meant we couldn’t (and shouldn’t) be together. I feared it meant he was the “wrong” person for me.
But over time, I realized that our shared commitment to our relationship was more important to me than having the exact same spiritual practices.
Matt and I are also very different when it comes to our social lives. I’m way more social than my husband. He’s team introvert, and I’m team extrovert. But because we both prioritize our relationship and make time to be with each other in ways we both enjoy, our other differing values can coexist.
Getting comfortable with differences takes work.
Getting comfortable with differences takes work. Most of us aren’t taught how to be at peace with friction and dissimilarity in our relationships, so we tend to shy away from it. But the more you practice leaning in and getting curious (rather than leaning out and shutting down) when you notice a difference arise between you and your partner, the less scary those differences will start to feel over time.
Of course, leaning in is not a guarantee that all couples will be able to navigate and coexist with their differences. Like we talked about above, everyone has non-negotiables. But if you want to stop feeling like every difference is a non-negotiable, being willing to feel into the discomfort of encountering difference is a crucial first step.
When Perfectionism Holds Us Back From Embracing Difference
What often happens with people who are prone to anxiety, overthinking, and perfectionism in relationships is that we look at every single difference as fundamental. We view every difference as a major problem, a deal breaker.
Uh oh, we don’t have the exact same sense of humor…
What does it mean that we have different tastes in music?
I like to travel and my partner doesn’t… Does that mean we have to break up?
When you start to notice your brain fixating on the differences in your relationship, get curious. Are you getting caught up in the “what ifs?” Are you looking at your relationship through a black-and-white lens that’s convincing you everything has to align perfectly or else?
Notice where there might be room for compromise and flexibility. Can you look at the differences between you and your partner with love and compassion, rather than fear and judgment?
Remember that relationships are not one-size-fits-all. It’s okay to notice differences between you and your partner, because differences aren’t a relationship death sentence. Instead, think of them as opportunities to learn more about the person you love and the relationship you’re building with them.
What matters isn’t finding a relationship with someone who shares every single thought, feeling, hope, and dream you’ve ever had. What really matters is finding someone who has a shared interest in cultivating a relationship that supports both of your dreams, goals, and visions, no matter how different they might be.
What really matters is finding someone interested in cultivating a relationship that supports both of your dreams, goals, and visions, no matter how different they might be.
The “Perfect Match” Is a Myth
The last thing I want to touch on is the myth of the perfect match. The idea that there is such a thing as a perfect relationship or a perfect partner who will match and align with you in every way. Someone who will fit you like a glove. Someone you will never have to experience tension, friction, or disagreements with.
When we buy into this fantasy, we convince ourselves that the differences that show up in our relationships are “signs” we haven’t quite found the one yet.
But navigating differences in a relationship is a process all couples have to go through at some point, regardless of how aligned things might feel at the beginning. People change, goals shift, and plans take unexpected turns. If we root our relationships into the idea that differences spell doom, we’re robbing ourselves of the opportunity to create true relationship resilience with our partners.
Navigating differences in a relationship is a process all couples go through at some point, regardless of how aligned things might feel at the beginning.
Instead, when you learn to embrace the inevitability of difference in relationships, you and your partner will be able to build a shared foundation for a strong, vital relationship.
Building a Rock Solid Relationship
Building strong relationships takes work and skill. It’s not something we just luck into. And part of that work includes learning to lean into the discomfort of experiencing differences with our partners.
At Healing Embodied, we help people just like you cultivate the self-trust and confidence to mindfully navigate differences in relationships, root into shared values, and fully embrace love. Our newest signature group program, Rock Solid Relationship, begins January 2025, and it’s specifically designed to help you do this work.
We also offer self-paced courses, free resources, and 1:1 sessions with our somatic practitioners. To explore our offerings, check out our services page or apply for a free clarity call to learn more about how we can support you.