Self Sabotage in Relationships
Are you prone to self sabotaging your relationships? Even the really good ones you thought might have a chance to last? If so, you’re in the right place.
In this article, we’re talking about the nature of self sabotage in relationships and how it ties into relationship anxiety.
What Is Self Sabotage?
When we subconsciously believe it’s not safe to have what we desire, we self sabotage.
We don’t do it to intentionally blow up our lives. It’s not a character defect or a sign that we’re “toxic” or broken. It’s a self-protective mechanism.
Self Sabotage and Relationship Anxiety
At Healing Embodied, we talk a LOT about relationship anxiety. Working with people who experience anxiety in relationships is one of our specialties as embodiment-based relationship coaches — and what we’ve come to understand is that relationship anxiety is a form of self-sabotage.
Let’s break it down…
→ You desire love and connection with another person.
→ You end up in a healthy relationship (maybe the healthiest you’ve been in).
→ The healthy relationship feels unfamiliar to you, so you start overthinking it. Maybe you’re used to the push and pull of unhealthy relationship dynamics, and part of you still craves that. Maybe you’re uncomfortable with the real vulnerability a healthy relationship requires. Maybe you’re encountering your own fear of love and commitment.
→ All this overthinking and uncertainty becomes overwhelming. You get scared and anxious, which causes you to pull away.
This is one of the most common ways self-sabotage shows up in relationships.
Why Do We Self-Sabotage?
Our minds are very creative when it comes to protecting us from experiences that might cause us pain.
And what’s one of the most infamously painful experiences in life? Heartbreak and the loss of love.
Many of us carry unconscious (and untrue) beliefs about relationships that color our current experiences of love. These beliefs might come from our childhoods, our culture, or our past relationship experiences. They might leave us believing that all relationships end in heartbreak and misery, that we’re unworthy of healthy love, or that true love doesn’t even exist.
When these subconscious beliefs are running the show, our minds look for every scrap of evidence they can to support these beliefs.
Why? Because our fearful parts believe that it’s better to get out NOW than to stay and wait for things to crash and burn.
Here’s what this can look like…
If you believe you’re not worthy of love, you might look for signs that your partner is cheating on you or doesn’t really love you (even if they give you NO reason to believe those things could be true).
If you believe being fully invested in a relationship will only lead to pain and heartbreak, you will compulsively search for reasons to leave your partner and get out before the pain strikes.
If you believe all relationships end in abandonment, you might cling or shut down at any sign of disconnection, change, or uncertainty.
Self Sabotage Is Self Protection
Our self-sabotaging tendencies may be trying to protect us, but they’re robbing us of our full experiences of life in the process.
Undoing these self-sabotaging behaviors that lead to relationship anxiety is not a quick fix. There is no magic tip or trick that can undo this for you (unfortunately).
The good news? It’s entirely possible to unlearn self sabotage and step more fully into your healthy relationship if you’re willing to roll up your sleeves and do the messy inner work.
Your partner cannot do it for you.
Social media cannot do it for you.
Relationship coaches can’t do it for you (though they can certainly be a HUGE help along the way!).
You must be willing to look within, understand your fears, and create new patterns that allow you to be present with what is right in front of you.
Shifting the Cycle of Self Sabotage
Shifting the cycle of self sabotage requires a LOT of unlearning and relearning so you can finally feel safe to have what you desire. You must connect with your sense of worthiness and feel on a cellular level that you are worthy of experiencing love.
But doing this alone can feel like too much. Most of us need a little support as we navigate our inner worlds. It can get messy and sticky in there, especially if we’ve never learned to navigate it before. Oftentimes, we don’t even realize a certain belief or pattern is sabotaging our relationships until someone lovingly mirrors it back to us.
At Healing Embodied, this is how we help our clients.
If you’re ready to end the cycle of self sabotage in your own life, step into a deeper sense of confidence about your relationship, and get to know your own internal world, we’re here for you.
Learn more about our programs, courses, and 1:1 opportunities or apply for a free clarity call today to find out how we can help.