Why you fear making the “wrong” decision

Do you find yourself panicked around commitment and decision making?

Do you fear that the world will crumble if you marry the “wrong” person?

When we have a desperate fear of making the “wrong” choice, it becomes pretty difficult to go through life and enjoy it. Every decision feels like life or death. Your body reacts with survival energy when it comes to making choices - sometimes even simple choices.

There’s a reason why you react this way around decision making.

Let’s explore this and become curious about WHY you fear making the “wrong” decision SO much.

Something I have learned to do, almost automatically now, is practice self-inquiry around my fears. Instead of believing them, I get curious. I dialogue with the fear to understand what’s REALLY going on.

So, let’s try this with the fear of making the “wrong” choice:

What do you fear would happen if you made the “wrong” choice?

Maybe, it’s the fear of failure, of making a mistake.

Ok, so what would it mean about you if you failed or made a mistake?

It would mean that I’M a failure. That there’s something wrong with me.

And how would you feel if there were something wrong with you.

I would feel embarrassed, ashamed, sad, unworthy.

See what we uncovered there?

The fear of making the “wrong” choice is rooted in unworthiness wounds. You subconsciously believe that your choices are a direct reflection of your worth and who you are as a person. You try to do everything in your power to MAKE SURE you never feel this way, so you obsessively seek the “right” answers and the “right” choices.

So now, you must become curious about where you learned this? What experiences did you have that made you believe that you were unworthy or unloveable if you didn’t get things “right”?

For so many of us, we were taught from a young age that we had to be “good.” We were taught that certain emotions, certain desires and certain ways of expressing ourselves were “bad.” This could have been explicitly taught (big boys don’t cry; god sends sinners to eternal hell) or implicitly taught (if I am too silly, mom will get mad; If I am myself, I will get bullied at school).

We begin to believe that certain parts of us are unworthy, unlovable, unacceptable and therefore, need to be banished. We learned that worthiness was earned by doing, saying, or feeling the “right” things.

We learned how to navigate the world, looking outside of ourselves for what we had to do in order to be loved and accepted.

Our barometer for what was “right” became external. We learned that our own desires and choices could not be trusted.

So now, as adults, we have become so disconnected from our sense of trust in our ability to make decisions. We believe that if we get it “wrong” that something terrible would happen and it is all because we are a bad person, unworthy of love.

We look outside of ourselves, desperately trying to assess what is “right.” Who the “right” partner is. What the “right” relationship looks like. What the “right” path is.

We look to the internet, our friends, family, media, therapists, god, to TELL US what do to and what is “right.”

Because we desperately fear that if WE choose, we will get it “wrong,” because we were taught that we can’t be trusted - that there are certain desires and choices that make us “bad” and unworthy of love.

In order to be able to confidently make decisions, we have to reconnect with our worthiness and our self-trust.

We must grieve the pain of being told that worthiness was outside of ourselves, that it had to be earned by getting everything “right.”

We must come to the acceptance that there is no rule book for life and love. There is no “right” and “wrong.” And knowing that even if you were to make a decision and it didn’t turn out the way you hoped it would be, YOU ARE STILL WORTHY.

We must reconnect with our desires, our self expression, and our authentic self, the version of us that exists outside of the social conditioning. We must bring the parts of us that were cast into the shadows into the light and love them.

Then, decisions won’t feel like life or death.

You’ll be able to trust in your ability to make decisions and trust that no matter what, you are worthy.

If you want support with coming into self-trust, this is what we help our clients do every day. Check out our services to learn how you can feel solid in yourself and your choice to be with your partner: www.healingembodied.com/workwithus