Healthy Conflict in Relationships: How to Argue Constructively in 3 Steps
Occasional conflict is normal in healthy relationships. If you are an imperfect human fostering a long-term relationship with another imperfect human (ahem… all of us), you will bump into disagreements and points of tension along the way.
The goal in a relationship should not be to avoid conflict altogether, but to approach conflict in a way that is compassionate, respectful, and supports the overall well-being of you, your partner, and the relationship as a whole.
But, how do you resolve conflict without fighting?
During moments of conflict and disagreement, it is so easy to become defensive, make assumptions, or shut down and withdraw from the conversation.
But a vital skill for navigating conflict in a healthy way is to remain curious instead of responding defensively. Instead of defaulting to “I know what’s happening here,” try reorienting toward “Hm… I wonder what’s happening here. How can we work together to understand?”
3 Key Steps for Healthy Conflict Resolution
Slow down in the moment.
When defensiveness takes over, it’s often accompanied by a sense of urgency in the body. The heart rate increases, the desire for your partner to understand you takes over, and the need to conclude the conversation moves to the forefront of your mind.
If notice this happening, slow down. Remind yourself that the urgency you feel probably isn’t real.
Slow down your breathing. Slow down the speed at which you’re talking. If you can, you might even try to slow down your thoughts.
When we are operating from this place of urgency in the body, it communicates to the mind that we are in danger. In the face of this perceived threat, our survival mechanisms take over, and the moment becomes about survival, not connection. In fact, when our fear-response system is engaged, we are physiologically incapable of experiencing true connection.
>>> To practice slowing down and being present in your body, check out this free 7-minute training.
2. Ask open-ended questions.
As you start to slow down, practice asking open-ended questions from a grounded and curious place, instead of making assumptions or jumping to conclusions.
Without blaming or attacking your partner, find out more to understand their point of view. Especially, when you are unclear on what your partner is saying or requesting, gather more information before reacting.
Examples of open-ended questions —
“When you say that, what I’m hearing is [repeat what you understood]. Is that what you mean?”
“You said earlier that you need [blank] in the relationship. Can you clarify what your definition of [blank] is?”
“I genuinely want to understand what you’re saying. Can you tell me more about that?”
“I’m not sure I’m following. Can you give me an example so I can understand [blank] more?”
3. Assume the best in your partner.
We all do it: Once we find ourselves in a conflict with a partner, we feel frustrated, disappointed, and upset — and we start making some pretty unfair assumptions.
He did this even though he KNOWS I don’t like it. He just be trying to make me mad.
She should’ve know doing [blank] was going to start an argument. Does she even care about me?
If they really loved me, this wouldn’t have happened.
While it’s completely understandable to have thoughts like these when we’re feeling upset, try taking a step back and recognizing these thoughts for what they are — unfair assumptions.
Chances are, your partner does love and care about you, even though they forgot to take the garbage out or said something awkward at your friend’s BBQ.
As often as possible, assume the best in your partner. Even when they do something that makes you mad, even when they disappoint you… assume the best. Assume that they love you, assume that they care, and then move from a place of trying to understand what happened that left you feeling unloved or uncared for.
By assuming the best in your partner, you will help create a more positive environment for having a difficult conversation and increase the likelihood that the discussion will feel constructive.
Conflict in Relationships is Completely Normal
It’s normal to experience discomfort in conflict, because we associate it with danger. At its most basic level, conflict activates the “fight” response in our bodies. Our nervous systems are literally gearing up to fight a predator or rival when we find ourselves entering into a conflict, even if there’s no real threat at hand.
Because our nervous systems are activated with nowhere to send that nervous energy, our minds start spinning fear-based narratives:
What does this argument say about us as a couple?
Does this mean our relationship is doomed?
Do these disagreements mean we’ll end up like our parents?
If I hold a boundary, will my partner not love me anymore?
And so on…
People with relationship anxiety are all-too-familiar with these types of thoughts. Dealing with conflict in a relationship can be especially challenging if you’re already struggling to believe your relationship is “good enough” or “strong enough.”
To heal relationship anxiety, we must approach moments of disagreement and tension while remaining grounded in our bodies, and learn to feel safe physiologically in the face of conflict.
This becomes possible when we develop the somatic skills necessary to regulate our nervous systems and be present in moments of discomfort. Put simply, your body needs to learn that’s possible to experience both discomfort and safety at the same time.
This is one of the key things we teach our clients to do at Healing Embodied.
Feel Safe and Grounded During Conflict
Our team of embodiment-based relationship coaches can help you create a secure, trusting foundation in yourself and your relationship. With that foundation, you’ll be able to approach moments of tension and discomfort without feeling overly defensiveness, shutting down, or pushing your partner away.
For more information on how you can work with us, consider applying for a free 15-minute Clarity Call or checking out our self-paced courses and group programs.
We look forward to helping you step into a more confident and empowered version of your relationship!