Read This If You Struggle With the Fear of Uncertainty In Your Relationship
For people with anxiety, experiencing any amount of uncertainty can feel like a major threat.
Uncertainty about the future…
Uncertainty about finances….
Even the uncertainty that arises from simple decision-making can feel debilitating for some.
And when you combine this kind of anxiety with the inevitable uncertainty that comes up in a relationship, things can spiral out of control fast.
You might have found this article because you already know you struggle with relationship anxiety or relationship OCD (ROCD), which are characterized by an excessive amount of anxiety, distress and doubt about relationships. But the truth is, you don’t have to have some special diagnosis to understand and relate to the types of feelings I’m describing here.
Everyone who takes the leap of faith required to be in a committed, intimate relationship steps bravely into the unknown, which can trigger some of our deepest fears. Struggling with the fear of uncertainty is one of the most universal human experiences of all.
I’m Chelsea Horton, a relationship coach, Dance/Movement Therapist, and the founder of Healing Embodied, and I’m here to help you build courage and trust in the face of uncertainty. I want to help you learn how to get curious about, understand, and eventually embrace the fear of uncertainty in relationships — because we’re all bound to experience this fear at some point, no matter what our relationships look like from the outside.
Understanding the Connection Between Anxiety and Uncertainty
Anxiety and OCD thrive on the fear of uncertainty — but uncertainty is an unavoidable part of life. This is how we get caught in anxiety’s trap.
There’s a reason anxiety is often talked about as a “spiral” — because there’s no end. There’s no way to panic our way into clarity or groundedness, so our anxious search for certainty just leaves us feeling more confused and more stuck.
The pursuit of certainty is the very thing that keeps our looping thoughts spinning, keeps us stuck in rumination, and keeps the fear and anxiety in our bodies alive.
How the Fear of Uncertainty Shows Up In Relationships
We all fear different things, so the fear of uncertainty can show up in countless ways.
Maybe your fear is triggered by not knowing what the future holds for you and your partner.
Maybe you’re afraid of not knowing for sure whether your partner is the “perfect” fit for you.
Maybe you struggle with “decision paralysis” when it comes to choosing to commit to your relationship because you feel an extreme amount of pressure to make the “right” choice.
Regardless of how your fear of uncertainty manifests, it can easily become fuel for the flames of anxiety. It might even keep you awake at night, tormenting you and leaving you feeling like you’ll never be free of its grip.
While experiencing this type of anxiety in a relationship can feel extremely distressing, confusing, and scary, I can confidently say that you’re not alone. Not only have I worked with hundreds of clients from around the world who struggle with relationship anxiety and OCD — I’ve also experienced it myself in my own relationship with my now husband, Matt.
So, when I say that the fear of uncertainty in relationships is common and that it’s possible to find your way out of the spiral, I mean it.
Why Do Relationships Trigger Us So Much?
When we wake up in the morning, everything about the day ahead of us is uncertain. Every new moment we experience in life is uncertain until we experience it. But we don’t tend to fear each new moment as it arises, because we haven’t projected our greatest fears onto most of those moments.
We trust that our day is probably going to unfold in a typical way. There might be some surprises here and there, but we recognize that these surprises are just as likely to be good or even exciting as they are to be bad or disastrous. (And chances are, most days are going to play out in a pretty mundane or predictable way.)
We can embrace a lot of uncertainty in our lives without even thinking about it, but when it comes to our relationships, things get more complicated... Why? Because relationships are really important to us. They’re arguably the most important part of our lives and our survival as humans. We’re literally hardwired to seek out healthy, compatible relationships. Unfortunately, anxiety and OCD tend to pick on the things we value most.
Relationships also require a lot of vulnerability, which can stir up our fears of getting hurt and experiencing pain, disappointment, and abandonment.
So, here’s the fear formula: When something is really important to us, requires a ton of vulnerability, and offers us no guarantee that it will work out or last forever… let’s just say our fears and anxieties will have something to say about it.
What’s Hiding Behind Your Fear of Uncertainty?
Here’s my hot take: Humans aren’t actually afraid of uncertainty — we’re afraid of what we project onto uncertainty. We’re afraid of all the scary, dark, intrusive thoughts our brains come up with to “fill in the blanks.”
We’re afraid of the shadowy figures lurking in the background, convincing us that uncertainty is threatening, dangerous, and bad.
We’re afraid of all the horrible potential scenarios our anxious brains imagine we will experience as we move into the uncertain future.
Try asking yourself this question: Am I really afraid of the unknown? Or am I afraid of an idea or story I've projected into the unknown?
Think of it like this: The anxious mind is an excellent horror film director. When it detects uncertainty in the things that matter most to us — like our relationships — it creates an elaborate horror film that taps into all our greatest fears. It’s no wonder we end up feeling terrified.
Our fear is a direct response to the idea that this terrible vision of the future might come true.
Because if it does come true, that means we will have to experience pain, discomfort, grief, heartache, and every other unpleasant emotion we can imagine. That’s what we really fear. We fear the possibility that we may have to go through heartbreaking circumstances in the future and deal with the painful feelings they bring up. We may even fear that we wouldn’t be able to handle those experiences. That our feelings would be too much to bear.
When we look at it this way, we can see that our fear of uncertainty is better understood as the fear of pain, the fear of loss, the fear of loneliness and heartbreak and grief.
But our brains don’t torture us like this for no reason — they come up with these worst-case scenarios in an attempt to make the unknown known, therefore “saving” us from uncertainty and preparing us for the worst. By doing this, our brains think they’re protecting us from pain, shock, and suffering. Even the scariest, most shadowy parts of ourselves usually have good intentions.
But this doesn’t mean we have to keep watching the horror film on repeat. Once we understand what’s happening in our anxious minds and why, we can start to consciously shift the pattern and choose a different story.
Reframing Uncertainty
Uncertainty is just another word for possibility. When the future is uncertain, that means anything is possible.
What would it feel like to shift away from the idea that uncertainty is automatically a bad thing? Are you open to viewing uncertainty as a realm of unlimited possibility?
“What if we get divorced someday?” What if you grow together and build a loving, lasting relationship?
“What if my partner isn’t the best fit for me?” What if you and your partner become one another’s “best fit” by committing, learning, and deepening into the relationship?
“What if the whole relationship ends up crashing and burning?” What if something beautiful rises from the ashes?
Challenging your mind’s assumptions about what uncertainty means can help shift your automatic responses when feelings of uncertainty arise.
How to Overcome the Fear of Uncertainty in Relationships
The truth is, mindset shifts will only get you so far when it comes to overcoming the fear of uncertainty. We experience fear and anxiety in our bodies, so that’s where the real work needs to happen.
Here are two key steps to focus on if you want to overcome the fear of uncertainty in your relationship.
Make friends with your emotions — even the unpleasant ones
Because the fear of uncertainty is usually rooted in the fear of experiencing pain and discomfort in the future, we must first learn how to face our pain and discomfort in the present. As long as we keep trying to run from fear, grief, loss, and disappointment, our anxieties will continue to rule the show. Every time we run from our feelings, we confirm the bias in our brains that tells us our emotions are something to fear.
But how exactly do we make friends with our emotions?
By moving out of our minds and into our bodies.
This is the key thing almost every coping strategy and therapy modality misses: We cannot “mindset shift” our way out of a fear response. We can’t think our way into a regulated nervous system. Our feelings are physical sensations that live in our bodies, and that’s where we need to meet them.
Unfortunately, most of us live in cultures that teach and encourage disembodiment and dissociation. We’re taught to value our thoughts over our emotions. We’re taught to engage with the world through our intellect instead of being present with our sensations. As a result, most people have very little practice actually feeling their feelings in an accepting and non-judgmental way. Instead, we numb out, avoid, dissociate, and disengage, because this is what we’ve been taught how to do. (And we wonder why we feel so disconnected and numb in our relationships…)
The longer we do this, the more we struggle to fully experience all of our emotions, from pain and discomfort to joy, love, excitement, and passion. By dropping into the body and learning to experience the emotions that we deem “negative,” we simultaneously expand our capacity to experience our pleasant emotions too.
Helping people experience and develop comfort and safety around their emotions is what we specialize in here at Healing Embodied. As trained therapists with clinical certifications and experience, my team and I have spent years working to understand how embodiment practices, somatic therapy, and creative expression can help the body digest and alchemize fear and anxiety — and we’ve made it our life’s work to help others do the same. Learn more about our transformative work on our offerings page.
2. Develop self-trust
Trusting yourself in times of uncertainty doesn’t mean trusting yourself to always make the perfect decision or to know what’s around the next bend. It means trusting yourself to have your own back, no matter what happens.
To develop a sense of safety within uncertainty, you’ll need to learn to trust your ability to navigate difficult circumstances. Because the truth is, you will never be guaranteed freedom from all future pain, disappointment, or heartbreak. No matter how “sure” anyone feels about their current circumstances, everything changes eventually. Everything comes to an end.
When we try to obsessively safeguard ourselves against uncertainty and change, we reveal a vulnerable truth about the way we feel about ourselves. We’re saying, “I don’t trust myself to navigate pain and challenges. I don’t believe in my own resilience. I don’t trust in my creative ability to navigate change and hardship.” Unfortunately, when we buy into these beliefs, we hold ourselves in a position of disempowerment.
The antidote to the powerlessness you feel in the face of fear and anxiety is self-trust.
How do you cultivate self-trust? You guessed it — by working with the body.
It all goes back to the nervous system, the fear-response system, and the things our bodies have been conditioned to fear. By dropping into the body and getting to know your emotions, fears, and anxieties on a deeper level, you can begin to develop a new type of relationship with yourself — one rooted in empowerment, resilience, and safety.
You’ll be able to trust in your ability to navigate and heal from pain, disappointment, and regret.
You’ll learn to trust your ability to find a new path for yourself if circumstances change.
You’ll learn to trust your own decisions so you won’t be constantly second-guessing yourself.
Best of all, you’ll learn to trust that relationships are worth it even in the face of uncertainty — because all relationships are uncertain, and that’s okay.
Overcome Fear and Anxiety with Healing Embodied
The work of befriending your emotions, building self-trust, and learning to face uncertainty with courage instead of fear is not easy — but it’s so possible.
At Healing Embodied, we help people all over the world approach this work with gentleness, compassion, and creativity. No matter how stuck you feel in the never-ending loop of fear about the future of your relationship — no matter how “doomed” you think you are — I promise we’ve seen it before, and things can change.
If you want support on your journey toward befriending your emotions, developing self-trust, and feeling resilient and brave in your relationship, Healing Embodied is here to help. We offer self-paced courses, like our popular Safety Within course, as well as our live group program, Rock Solid Relationship. You can also get access to our ebook, The 5 Keys to Feeling Rock Solid in Your Relationship, for even more support.
We can’t wait to help you face your fears and cultivate the life you want!